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Section: Halacha Category: Tshuvos | Rav Moshe Shternbuch - When An Engagement Is Broken | Rav
Shternbuch says (2:622) that breaking an engagement is a very serious
matter and it causes embarrassment to the other side. The Bais Shmuel
(YD 51:8) says that there is a Cheirem from the Ge'onim. Some say that
this only applies if this cheirem was written into a document
beforehand.
The custom is that when a Shidduch goes bad, the
offended side usually writes a letter of forgiveness (Shtar Mechila) to
the side that initiated the break, stating that they forgive the other
side wholeheartedly for the embarrassment and that they absolve them of
any obligation owed to them.
However, says Rav Shternbuch, this
is not so simple. The lingering effects can have devastating
consequences in the future as many people unfortunately experienced.
Therefore, suggest Rav Shternbuch, even after receiving the Shtar
Mechila, it is best to go before three people and request that if you
are chayav cheirem and deserve to be excommunicated, they should
absolve the cheirem. The three people should then answer, "Mutar Lach,
Mutar Lach, Mutar Lach", you are unbound. Although this is not
customary, if one side caused grief to the other side it is wise to do
this. If however there was a legitimate reason to break off the
engagement, then he says, this is not necessary.
Important Note: We try to convey the
Tshuva to the best of our ability. We admit that our understanding may
not be accurate. Please also understand that this Tshuva may not be the
final word on this topic. One should consult a Rav before drawing any
conclusions.
This article has not been
reviewed by the posek of the AskRevach section, Rav Peretz Moncharsh.
Any questions regarding this topic and Halacha L’Maaseh may be asked to
him at www.revach.net/ask
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RELATED ARTICLES:broken engagement halacha Rav Moshe Shternbuch shiduchim
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RS, Gateshead UK, 2008-11-19 10:10:11
Hagaon Harav Yitzchak Silberstein Shlita related in a recent shiur a story which occurred in the times of the Chasam Sofer.
One of the Gedolei Olam at the time who lived in a large city, travelled to a small town, where he was suddenly taken ill and died, As it was close to Shabbos, he was buried in the small town.
His home city felt that it was only right that the deceased Gaon be relocated bekovod in his own city.
The Chasam Sofer was consulted and set about writing a teshuva to explain the heter to do so. However, the next morning, the Chasam Sofer retracted his psak.
He explained that the niftar appeared to him in a dream and begged that he remain where he is. As a young man he had broken off his engagement, leaving the meshudeches distraught and distressed. She never recovered from the pain, and in her anguish she died young and single. The Hashgocho decreed that as a kaporoh, the Gaon must be buried alongside his former meshudeches!
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